I find myself thinking of Beelin Sayadaw on nights when the effort to stay disciplined feels solitary, dull, and entirely disconnected from the romanticized versions of spirituality found online. The reason Beelin Sayadaw surfaces in my mind tonight is unclear; perhaps it is because my surroundings feel so stark. There is no creative spark or spiritual joy—only a blunt, persistent awareness that I must continue to sit. The room’s quiet in that slightly uncomfortable way, like it’s waiting for something. I'm resting against the wall in a posture that is neither ideal nor disastrous; it exists in that intermediate space that defines my current state.
Discipline Without the Fireworks
Discussions on Burmese Theravāda typically focus on the intensity of effort or the technical stages of insight—concepts that sound very precise and significant. Beelin Sayadaw, at least how I’ve encountered him through stories and fragments, feels quieter than that. Less about fireworks, more about showing up and not messing around. There is no theater in his discipline, which makes the work feel considerably more demanding.
The hour is late—1:47 a.m. according to the clock—and I continue to glance at it despite its irrelevance. My thoughts are agitated but not chaotic; they resemble a bored dog pacing a room, restless yet remaining close. I become aware of the tension in my shoulders and release it, yet they tighten again almost immediately. Typical. A dull ache has settled in my lower back—a familiar companion that appears once the novelty of sitting has faded.
Beelin Sayadaw and the Mirror of Honesty
I imagine Beelin Sayadaw as a teacher who would be entirely indifferent to my mental excuses. It wouldn't be out of coldness; he simply wouldn't be interested. Meditation is just meditation. The rules are just rules. You either follow them or you don't. But don’t lie to yourself about it. That tone cuts through a lot of my mental noise. I exert so much effort trying to bargain with my mind, seeking to justify my own laziness or lack of focus. Discipline is not a negotiator; it simply waits for you to return.
I chose not to sit earlier, convincing myself I was too tired, which wasn't a lie. I also argued that it wasn't important, which might be true, but only because I wanted an excuse. That minor lack of integrity stayed with me all night—not as guilt, but as a persistent mental static. Reflecting on Beelin Sayadaw forces that static into the spotlight—not for judgment, but for clear observation.
Finding Firmness in the Middle of Numbness
There is absolutely nothing "glamorous" about real discipline; it offers no profound insights for social media and no dramatic emotional peaks. It is merely routine and repetition—the same directions followed indefinitely. Sit. Walk. Note. Maintain the rules. Sleep. Wake. Start again. I imagine Beelin Sayadaw embodying that rhythm, not as an idea but as a lived thing. He lived it for years, then decades. That level of dedication check here is almost frightening.
I can feel a tingling sensation in my foot—the typical pins and needles. I simply observe it. The mind wants to comment, to narrate. It always does. I don’t stop it. I simply refuse to engage with the thoughts for long, which seems to be the core of this tradition. Not force. Not indulgence. Just firmness.
Grounded in the Presence of Beelin Sayadaw
I become aware that my breath has been shallow; the tension in my chest releases the moment I perceive it. It isn't a significant event, just a small shift. I believe that's the true nature of discipline. It is not about theatrical changes, but about small adjustments repeated until they become part of you.
Reflecting on Beelin Sayadaw doesn't excite me; instead, it brings a sense of sobriety and groundedness. It leaves me feeling anchored and perhaps a bit vulnerable, as if my justifications have no power here. And strangely, that is a source of comfort—the relief of not needing to perform a "spiritual" role, in simply doing the work in a quiet, flawed manner, without anticipation of a spectacular outcome.
The night keeps going. The body keeps sitting. The mind keeps wandering and coming back. Nothing flashy. Nothing profound. Just this steady, ordinary effort. And maybe that’s exactly the point.